I'm suppose to be blogging about mine and Dom's cruise to Mexico.

I have something that is weighing very heavily on my heart, and mind.


Months preceding the cruise, I decided for Dom and I to go alone.

We haven't been Domenick and Jazmin for three years. We don't have the pleasures of date night. We're always in work, parent, maid, cook, student, etc. mode. I wanted the two of us to enjoy one another. To be adults without children. That's all I wanted just one week.

I pumped over 300 ounces of milk.


I got in a lots of hugs, kisses, storytelling, dances, and snuggles I could before the trip.

Funny enough, we were counting down the days until the cruise. Then we got there, and were counting down the days to see the boys.

Before the cruise I was getting 10ounces every morning, with Giuseppe nursing.

First day on the cruise, without Giuseppe, I got a whopping 15ounces first pump in the morning! Two days into it it dwindled down to 10 ounces. Heck that was still good! Just days before returning home it was secen ounces, and that was still good. Afterall I would soon be returning to my 31lb, 10month, nursing wonder! Right?

Wrong.

I sat on the plane nervously waiting to land. I had butterflies in my belly the drive to pick up the boys. I missed them so. I just wanted to hold them.

We arrived. Vinny came running out screaming mama! He gave me a huge hug, and told me he missed me.

I hugged him while Dom hugged on Giuseppe. We planned it this way, so when it came time to change I could just nurse Giuseppe.

I went into our niece's nursery to nurse Seppe. I hand anticipated this moment for a long time.

I sat in the rocking chair. Got both myself and Giuseppe situated. Then I tried to nurse him.

He wouldn't latch.

My heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I felt awful. I wanted to cry.

I left the room and told Dom we needed to go. As soon as we got into our car I broke down. I tried to communicate to Dom what was happening, but couldn't over my sobbing.

We got home. I tried, yet again, to nurse him. He screamed, he clawed at his face, he tried to pull away from me.

I felt like the worst mom ever. This was all my fault. How could I leave him?


(Nursing after a big tumble!)


The next morning(Sunday) I tried again. Again he screamed, clawed at himself, and pulled away. He wasn't happy drinking from the sippy cup he had been using, so I switched to a dropper. He didn't like that. I then switched to a cup with a straw. I knew the straw would make things too easy for him. Diminishing my chances of ever getting him to the breast. I couldn't have him getting dehydrated. The days before he barely drank anything. I needed him to stay hydrated, having him checked into the hospital wasn't going to help either one of us.



I started to call around some lactation consultants(LC) trying to get whatever help I could. Only one called me back. She wasn't very helpful. While on the phone I could tell she was rather irritated by me fumbling my words, and trying not to cry. I tried the best I Could to tell her my story. She told my the Lact-aid that I called about wouldn't work for me, that for his age Giuseppe would most likely never nurse at the breast again. BUT! For $80 a visit I could pay her to help me try... I asked her " But what if I pay you, go, and he doesn't latch? ". " That's the risk you have to be willing to take.". No lady. I will not be risking that with someone who doesn't have any hope for me at all. No thank you.

I was crying. I told her I would talk to Domenick, and let her know if I would be needing her services. I walked out into the living room. I felt horrible, I felt judged, I felt hopeless. I wanted to throw in the towel.

I cried to Domenick " Why am I doing all this. The pumping, the lactation cookies, the oatmeal, the constant rejections, getting my nipples bit off! Why? It's a lost cause. She said he will never nurse at the breast! "

God I love this man. He knocked that pouring gray cloud out from over my head! He told me we can do this, I can do this. We just need to be persistent, we can't give up on hope.

Thanks to him and the tremendous amount of support from my mommy friends, I didn't give up.

Later that night we went out and bought a Tommee Tippee bottle, and a nipple shield.

Giuseppe took to the bottle right away. No trouble. I was happy to see that the way he was sucking it, looked like it made him work hard!


This afternoon, during his feeding before his nap, I noticed he was almost done. I had forgotten to grab the nipple shield. I sat there at thought " Just let him finish. He's not going to latch on, he's just going to scream, claw at his face, and reject you. Again.". I talked myself into getting up and getting it. " If you don't try, you are a failure! ". I got it. I put it on, slowly took the bottle out of his mouth, quickly inserted the nipple, and...

he latched!

He latched!

HE LATCHED!!!

All that hard work.

All the determination!

It paid off.

We're on our way to getting things back to normal.